Queen of the Carrot Flowers

"by the pricking of my thumbs,
something wicked this way comes"

Day two, I still miss you.

Day one isn’t getting easier. It’s so hard to believe that this is what you want, but since it is I’ll let it be.

You’ve asked me so many times, why I care for you, why I choose to stay. The truth is,

You are my stay. You are my here and now, my future, my wants, my needs, my world. I know who you are, you’re selfish, indecisive, impulsive, irrational, angry, quiet, destructive, depressed, anxious, arrogant, and so many more things, but I can accept every single one of them. I don’t know what it means to you, but the fact that I can know all of your flaws and still want to be with you means that there’s something special between us.

Sure there may not be butterflies anymore, but those are so fleeting anyway. You make me warm, everlasting, excited. The rush of getting to see you leaves me feeling tingles, inertia, my heart racing. I know you hate that we mostly see each other at night, but I love the nights we spend together. They range from sweet and romantic to funny and relaxed, we can do any combination. We can be infinite anything.

Smoking cigarettes on the porch, in the backyard, in the garage, they’re all things that you love doing so I’ve been encouraging those by pushing for cigarettes in the middle of a show, a game. It might annoy you (I’m sorry) but understand that it’s me trying to reach out and show you that I’m paying attention. Being friends with your friends, whom you hold in the highest regard, is another way I’m trying to give you a sign. I want you to feel comfortae around me, and your friends are so very important to you, they have to be important to me as well. I guess the point of this is to say, I may not be the best at words sometimes, and I may not show you blatantly that I care, but I care to use more subtle methods. We’re more alike than you think.

You said that this may be time for you to move on. If you feel that way, then I want to congratulate you on your future, your past, everything that you wish for to come true. You have been nothing but kind to me from the beginning, we both just get a little overwhelmed with the world and take it out on each other (in addition to our bad tempers). Maybe we matched too well, maybe we only needed each other for the time being. Regardless, I’m so grateful for what you’ve taught me, what you gave to me, what you helped me embrace. Thank you, Zach Mason.

Now, if you want to stay, please don’t do so out of pity, or uncertainty.

But if it’s out of love, then know that you won’t be let down. We can both be crazy, both be angry, we just need to learn from each other instead of get heated up (aka me). You asked what I would change, and I can’t ever give you a straight answer. But we can figure it out together. Whenever I lash out, call me out on it, or just hold me. I need to do the same for you. We’re sweet, tender creatures that have the world against us, we don’t need to have each other pitted with fangs bearing as well.

I know that I’m a mess, I’m a horrible mess, but maybe you’ll think I’m worth navigating. Sorting piles of trash, getting rid of negative space, maybe we can grow from each other once more. It’s all a mindset, after all.

Leaving is a big issue for both of us, and I know that. It’s hard for you, it’s hard for me (don’t think it isn’t). I don’t have any immediate answers to that, but there are options. We could write each other, snail mail, hidden Facebook and tumblr messages, small little voicemails reminding each other that we’re thinking about them. I believe that we can do it, given that you want to.

Even though I fucked up last time, and even though I broke us

(which I will never forgive myself for. I’m sorry)

if you want to take a chance on anything, it’d be an honor if you took one on me.

This might be over. This is probably over. We both waited for the other to make motions for the other to recognize and neither one of us took the initiative. And now we are probably over.

I asked you if you want to be with me, and the fact that it wasn’t a right away, straight-forward “yes”, means that it’s probably over.

You are my everything, but I’m ready to let you go if that’s what you truly want.

Is it so ridiculous that on my birthday I’d want to feel the best I possibly can, when all I do for other people on their special days is lift them on the highest pedestal?

It’s a sad day when a girl I’ve known for a few months wishes me happy birthday before you, whom I’ve been closest to out of anyone.

Go fuck yourself.

It irritates me when you do this.

You ask me to come over, to spend time with you which I truly want to do, yet at the same time you don’t want the part of responsibility that comes with ensuring I get back before anyone realizes that I’m missing.

I just don’t understand. I know you are tired. I know that you don’t want to move. But you accept me coming over, and expect no repercussions for what happens if I get caught.

I’m sick of being the bad guy in this scenario.

It makes me so angry when you pull stuff like this. I told you I was exhausted, and then you made me feel guilty for feeling how I did because it wasn’t the plan.

I’m sorry that I “threw you off”, but this is exactly what the old you would do, and the worst part is I don’t think you even realize that you do it. But the new Maria does, and she’s not putting up with it anymore.

I want to have respect, to be respected, to be an equal and not just the female of a relationship, or whatever we have.

No means NO.

I don’t have to justify myself for having a voice or opinions or different choices of action, and I’ve kept apologizing for how I’ve felt for so many years, I’m tired of it.

Don’t guilt me into feeling bad because I was exhausted. Don’t throw blame on me when I am so tired I can barely see straight.

Sneaking out is such a risk and it lays everything on the line for me. I think from time to time you tend to forget that.

Wake the fuck up.

It’s hard for people to understand that I don’t believe it when I’m considered pretty, until they witness the visual harassment that I get from every kind of guy.

Old men, married fathers with kids, teenagers with nothing better to do than look me up and down.

It’s hard to believe when someone sees you truly as pretty, instead of a piece of meat to have sex with.

I don’t ask for this. I don’t promote this.

I’m self conscious to show any part of my body that could be considered sexual, just because of the attention I garner, and that’s no way for someone to live.

It scares me when you do things like this, and I’m sorry it does, but I can’t help it.

I’m concerned for your safety, physically in the sense that you could get hurt and otherwise in the sense that something could become attached to you.

I’m not a religious person, but stuff like that scares me, and thus I’m scared for you.

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